{"id":109831,"date":"2024-08-14T23:14:20","date_gmt":"2024-08-15T03:14:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com\/?p=109831"},"modified":"2025-03-31T09:22:57","modified_gmt":"2025-03-31T13:22:57","slug":"financial-infidelity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com\/financial-infidelity\/","title":{"rendered":"Financial Infidelity: Signs, causes & solutions (+ REAL stories from couples)"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Financial infidelity is the act of hiding financial information, engaging in secret financial transactions, or lying about money-related matters within a relationship.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

In this post, we\u2019ll cover everything you need to know and explore some real stories from real couples. <\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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What Financial Infidelity Looks Like<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Here are some common forms financial infidelity can take:<\/span><\/p>

  1. Secret Bank Accounts<\/b>: This involves opening and maintaining bank accounts without the partner’s knowledge, often used to store or spend money secretly.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>
  2. Hidden Debts:<\/b> Partners may accumulate debts without disclosure, including credit card balances, personal loans, or even mortgages.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>
  3. Intentional Undisclosed Spending<\/b>: This ranges from small, frequent purchases to large, one-time expenses made without informing the partner. It often involves using shared funds or individual income for discretionary spending on hobbies, luxuries, or vices.<\/span><\/li>
  4. Lying About Income<\/b>: Some individuals may understate or overstate their income to their partner, either to avoid sharing more money or to appear more financially stable. This can create imbalances in household financial contributions.<\/span><\/li>
  5. Hiding Financial Documents<\/b>: Concealing bank statements, credit card bills, or other financial records is another form of financial infidelity.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>
  6. Misusing Shared Accounts<\/b>: Using joint accounts or credit cards for personal expenses without agreement, or withdrawing large sums from shared savings without discussion.\u00a0<\/span><\/li><\/ol>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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    A real example of financial infidelity (from my podcast)<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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    Both in their forties, Lisa and Jeff have a blended household. They have a $300k net worth, and were recently awarded a $1.275M settlement, an amount that would be transformative for almost any household.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    However, rather than uniting the couple in shared excitement, this windfall reveals underlying tensions. Jeff\u2019s admission that he views \u201cher money as her money, and my money as my money\u201d is the first sign that they’re not completely aligned with how they manage their finances.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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    Lisa: [00:03:00] I was doing well. He was doing well. We were high earners. We didn’t have too many financial problems. And in January of this year, roughly six months ago, I was awarded a\u00a0 seven-figure settlement. And it’s obviously life-changing for anyone to come into seven figures.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Ramit Sethi: [00:03:25] Can you tell me how much it was for?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Lisa: [00:03:27] Yes. So specifically, it was $1.275 million.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Ramit Sethi: [00:03:34] Okay, great. Let’s call it 1.3million. Is that post-tax?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Jeff: [00:03:38] Yeah.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Lisa: [00:03:38] Yes.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Jeff: [00:03:39] Our collective income before this happened was about 150k a year.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Ramit Sethi: [00:03:46] Before this came in, what was your net worth?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Lisa: [00:03:52] It was around 300K.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Ramit Sethi: [00:03:58] Okay. And that’s yours or the two of you?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Lisa: [00:04:01] Anything that we have now is what we’ve built together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Jeff: [00:04:07] <\/span>I’ve always counted her money as her money and my money as my money. <\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Ramit Sethi: [00:04:11] I think that’s a cute phrase, but I actually don’t think that’s doing you any favors.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Lisa: [00:04:17] And it’s the same with the settlement. And I find it really grates on me that he’s like, that’s your money. That’s your money. That’s your money. And I’m like, no, it isn’t. It’s ours.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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    This joke is quite revealing of Jeff’s overall mindset on money, and it really bothers Lisa. This highlights how a sudden influx of money, instead of solving problems, can sometimes amplify existing ones if not handled with open communication and mutual understanding.<\/span><\/p>

    Subsequently, Jeff admits to using avoidance as a strategy to deal with money discussions, leaving Lisa to handle the burden alone.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    This pattern of behavior is not just about money; it speaks to a broader communication breakdown in their marriage. Lisa\u2019s feelings of loneliness and the lack of support she experiences in managing their finances are significant because they reveal how unbalanced their partnership has become.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    This imbalance is particularly poignant because, despite the financial windfall, Lisa feels isolated in her efforts to secure their financial future. The emotional weight she carries is substantial, and it underscores the importance of both partners being involved in financial decisions, not just one.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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    Lisa: [00:10:18] I will try to bring something up and he will aggressively tell me no. And he will shut me down and turn away. And I will be like, okay.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Jeff: [00:10:30] I don’t know if I agree with that.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Lisa: [00:10:31] It is totally true.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Jeff: [00:10:31] I usually make jokes. I usually tell you, hey, whatever you want goes.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Ramit Sethi: [00:10:35] This is a common thing with couples. So here’s how it works. I’m just going to break it down. One person, usually the person who likes to be in control and is checking all the apps every day, they see something. And they stew over it for hours, days, sometimes weeks. And then something sets them off. And it’s like this controlled fury. It could be, I love you, and I care about you, but if you answer this question wrong, I am going to murder you. I’m going to cut your neck and you’re going to bleed out here on the bathroom floor. It’s right between those two. You can’t really tell. They go, so what’s this purchase? Like that. It’s like a tiger just making one little sound. Jeff, anything sound familiar?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Jeff: [00:11:26] Yes, it’s funny you said that because she does that. And I immediately assume the knife is coming. And the knife never comes because she doesn’t do the knife.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Ramit Sethi: [00:11:33] That’s correct. That’s correct she doesn’t do the knife. And so you overreact, don’t you?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Jeff: [00:11:39] Yes.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Ramit Sethi: [00:11:40] You come out guns blazing and you use all your unconscious and conscious techniques– diversion, haha jokes, and also just over the top aggressiveness, and then you get what you want, don’t you? Which is what?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Jeff: [00:11:54] I get out of that conversation as fast as I can.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Ramit Sethi: [00:11:56] That’s correct. You escape. So you still remain the pursuee. Lisa, you’re the pursuer but you walk away steaming, frustrated. And that’s it. You take it on yourself. Not very productive. Pretty interesting. I liked that Jeff is being honest, maybe a little too honest. Jeff is admitting to everything, which is in itself a technique.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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    As we continue talking, we run into the seemingly trivial matter of Jeff buying running shoes on a line of credit \u2013 which might appear insignificant at first glance, but it unpacks much deeper issues.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    This incident is emblematic of Jeff\u2019s approach to finances\u2014an approach characterized by avoidance, secrecy, and a lack of communication with Lisa.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    The fact that Jeff hides even small purchases like shoes speaks volumes about his discomfort with financial discussions and his desire to sidestep responsibility. This behavior is problematic because it erodes trust in their marriage. It\u2019s not about the $149 shoes; it\u2019s about the patterns of behavior that such actions reveal. Jeff\u2019s admission that he pushes financial problems to \u201clater\u201d shows a lack of foresight and an avoidance of the necessary, sometimes difficult, conversations that need to happen in any healthy relationship.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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    Jeff: [00:21:01] This is tough to admit, but let’s be honest. I hide purchases from her and that’s how she found out about these credit cards. And it’s for the sole purpose that I don’t really have to discuss the purchase with her. I don’t have to, in my mind, get permission. And also in my mind, I’m pushing the problem to later.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    And ultimately, in my head, I think I’m going to pay it off before she even really knows about it. But that doesn’t really ever happen. So ultimately, I just have to have a little bit of a come up and I go, yeah, I did this. Sorry, I should have told you. But I do feel a little bit of guilt about it because there’s a mild sense of hiding, of lying, even though I’m not lying necessarily. I’ll tell her what I did later. But it’d be better to be honest and truthful about it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Ramit Sethi: [00:21:52] When you say you’ll tell her later, is that because she finds out about the purchase and then asks you?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Jeff: [00:21:58] Yeah, I mean, the shoe showed up. The shoes show up and I put them on. And she goes, where did those come from? And I tell her, yeah, hey, I bought some shoes.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Lisa: [00:22:09] I don’t recognize that I didn’t charge and I’ll say what was that for? And that will frustrate him, being asked about the purchase.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

    Ramit Sethi: [00:22:18] And so as a result, how do you approach money in your relationship now?<\/span><\/p>

    Lisa: [00:22:23] So I don’t want to start any conflict. And as Jeff very well knows, I’m averse to conflict, so I will avoid it. If it’s potentially something I have a problem with, it would have to be a pretty big problem for me to bring it up. I would just let it go and deal with it financially on my own, in my own mind and in our financial plan to make plans to pay it off. He has this attitude about money where he\u2019ll be like, \u2018it\u2019s just money, I\u2019ll make more. And again, it’s not in a reckless sense. He’s actually pretty frugal. So this discovery paints him in a less frugal light, when he\u2019s actually super frugal.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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    Lisa and Jeff have a lot to work through to break their old habits. In the rest of the conversation, I help Jeff address his childhood trauma around money and guide Lisa in overcoming her tendency to avoid confrontation, both of which are rooted in their upbringing. <\/span>Listen to the episode<\/span><\/a> to see how we tackle these issues.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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    Signs of Financial Infidelity<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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    Financial infidelity often shows up as various signs that can be observed in behavior, financial activities, and emotional interactions. Here are some examples:<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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    Behavioral Changes<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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    Increased secrecy and defensive behavior are an initial common sign. A partner may become unusually protective of their phone or computer, quickly changing screens when you approach. They might also react defensively or angrily when questioned about financial matters, even if the inquiry seems innocent.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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    Financial Red Flags<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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    Unexplained withdrawals from joint accounts or missing financial statements are clear warning signs. You might notice unfamiliar transactions on bank or credit card statements, or discover that certain statements are no longer arriving at your shared address. Sudden changes in spending patterns or lifestyle without a clear reason for the shift can also indicate hidden financial activities.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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    Emotional Indicators<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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    An increase in money-related arguments is often a sign that something is amiss in a couple’s financial relationship. These conflicts may happen more often and with greater intensity than before. Additionally, you might notice a general reluctance to discuss money matters or long-term financial planning, which could suggest your partner is hiding something.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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    Other signs to be aware of:<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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