{"id":110335,"date":"2024-08-27T22:26:27","date_gmt":"2024-08-28T02:26:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com\/?p=110335"},"modified":"2025-03-31T06:27:59","modified_gmt":"2025-03-31T10:27:59","slug":"financial-infidelity-examples","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com\/financial-infidelity-examples\/","title":{"rendered":"Financial Infidelity Examples (8 real life stories from my podcast)"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Financial infidelity\u2014when one partner hides financial information, engages in secret transactions, or lies about money\u2014can be as devastating as any other form of betrayal.<\/span><\/p>

In this post, I’ll share real-life examples from my podcast where couples have faced the harsh realities of financial infidelity. Through their stories, you’ll learn the signs to watch for and what steps you can take if you’re experiencing something similar in your own relationship.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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8 Real-Life Financial Infidelity Examples<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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From small hidden purchases to major secret debts, here are some examples that illustrate the severity of financial infidelity in some cases:<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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\u201cI just learned he took out a secret $100,000 loan\u2014two years ago\u201d<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Jan and Emily<\/span><\/a> are in their thirties and recently bought a house. Emily is the higher earner and lets Jan manage their money, adding to the feeling of betrayal that she keeps buried under a calm exterior.<\/span><\/p>

When Emily and Jan were in the middle of buying a house, their lender asked for documents related to a small business loan. Emily assumed everything was fine, but Jan’s behavior became increasingly strange. Finally, he confessed that he had taken out a $100,000 loan without her knowledge. This revelation came just weeks into the home-buying process.<\/span><\/p>

Jan admitted that while his initial intention with the $100k loan was to make money, there wasn\u2019t a clear plan. He confessed that a big part of his motivation was simply wanting to contribute more to their life together and not feel like he was falling short in his role. It\u2019s a common struggle, especially when traditional expectations clash with modern realities.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Jan: [00:05:39] Together we got the loan, and then at some point, I received an extension to increase that loan. Initially, I just applied for a small amount, just thinking this would be a good backup or an emergency fund scenario. And then when I got approved, I got approved for the entire loan amount, which was way more than I was honestly looking for. And then I sat with a couple of days and then I was just thinking that this would help me redirect my career. I was just hoping that that would be able to get me back on track.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:06:23] How would the extra loan money help you get on track?<\/span><\/p>

Jan: [00:06:27] Well, I was thinking, \u201cOkay, cool. I can use this to start some kind of a small business or use it to generate some income for the lifestyle that both Emily and I want.\u201d<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:06:43] How much was the loan for?<\/span><\/p>

Jan: [00:06:45] The initial loan was for $36,000 and then got another $100,000 on top of that, which is the 100 she didn\u2019t know about.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Despite the initial shock and betrayal caused by Jan’s secret $100k loan, they\u2019re both making significant strides in repairing their relationship.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Emily: [00:15:34] I think I don\u2019t feel scared that he\u2019s going to do it again. I think I look at the way that he kind of opened up emotionally about things and some of the stuff that I said would need to happen in order for me to feel like he was doing the work. Because I felt like the last couple of years there was a lot of emotional assistance that I couldn\u2019t provide, that I wanted him to see a therapist.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

I felt that was really important. And he did start doing those things because I think that\u2019s a script that I can\u2019t break down that I need someone else to do because I didn\u2019t come from that. So I don\u2019t know how to talk\u2013 I don\u2019t have a lot of, I think it\u2019s silly to a certain extent, so I just don\u2019t have the tools to talk with him about it.<\/span><\/p>

Long story short, I don\u2019t feel scared that he\u2019s going to do it again. I think it was really out of character and I think it came from a place of severe insecurity. And it was so long ago. That was still in 2020.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:16:48] Mh-hmm.<\/span><\/p>

Emily: [00:16:49] Yeah, that was still in 2020, and I only found out about it in the middle of 2022. And I think that we as a couple have come a long way, and he sees what I\u2019m capable of doing in my career, and I think that that gives him a little bit more security where maybe he knows that those things are not necessary to do when they have that much risk.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:17:15] Okay. A lot of good things there. The fact that you encouraged him to see a therapist, Jan, the fact that you are doing that, the fact that you\u2019ve had a lot of healthier conversations, all this sounds very positive. Mistakes happen, bad decisions happen. Jan, you\u2019ve said it multiple times today you apologized. Emily, you\u2019ve accepted, it seems like and it seems like you\u2019re both moving forward. So I\u2019m really pleased to hear you talking so openly.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Jan and Emily\u2019s story highlights the importance of transparency and communication in a relationship, especially when it comes to financial decisions. Despite the initial breach of trust, their willingness to confront the issue and work through it together is a testament to the strength of their partnership.<\/span><\/p>

Listen to the full episode<\/span><\/a> to learn more about their journey and how to handle financial infidelity.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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\u201cWe\u2019re worth $700,000+ but my wife took away my credit card\u201d<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Kirsten and Jon<\/span><\/a> are both 34, raising two young boys in Canada. An engineer, Kirsten is all about problems and solutions, going as far as \u201cparenting\u201d Jon when he overspends. Jon avoids money talk like the plague, even giving up his use of the joint credit card to avoid further static at home.<\/span><\/p>

Jon and Kirsten’s financial friction begins with Jon\u2019s laid-back approach to handling credit card payments, which leads to confusion over balances and payment practices. Kirsten\u2019s anxiety about the growing credit card interest highlights a fundamental difference in managing their money.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Jon: [00:02:12] I had gone in and I had paid our joint credit card completely off. And the comment came out from yourself that I wasn\u2019t supposed to pay the complete credit card off, and instead I was only supposed to pay the\u2013 I think they call it a statement balance for whatever was spent on that credit card for that past month. <\/span>
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<\/span>And then from there, it went into you wondering what I had left on my credit card. And it turns out I had not paid the entire credit card completely off because of an error on my part, being out of town for eight weeks in a row.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:02:55] How much was on your credit card, Jon?<\/span><\/p>

Jon: [00:02:58] Like $2,100 and change.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:03:01] Okay. Is that a lot? Is that a little? How does that stack up to your normal spending?<\/span><\/p>

Jon: [00:03:06] That\u2019s on the high-end average, I would say.<\/span><\/p>

Kirsten: [00:03:09] It freaked me out because I have never not paid a credit card off in full. And so knowing how expensive the interest is, I was just freaking out.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Jon even handed over his credit card to avoid financial arguments with Kirsten, which highlights a deeper issue. Kirsten, meanwhile, feels like she’s parenting Jon as she manages their finances while struggling to align their spending habits.<\/span><\/p>

Jon\u2019s strong dislike of money talks shows how stressed he is by these discussions. He sees using a line of credit as no big deal, while Kirsten believes it’s only for emergencies. This difference adds to the tension in their relationship.<\/span><\/p>

Eventually, Jon acknowledges Kirsten’s burden in managing their household finances alone. This is a turning point, as he recognizes the need to step up and support her efforts rather than avoid financial responsibilities.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Jon: [00:37:28] I think all those points are 100% valid, like how can she go through and run an entire household financially by herself? She\u2019s attempting to wade through waist-deep snow uphill by herself. Yeah.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:38:01] Does it reach you? Does it connect with you when you hear her say something like that?<\/span><\/p>

Jon: [00:38:05] Yeah.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:38:07] In what way?<\/span><\/p>

Jon: [00:38:09] It tells me I need to step in more to with what she needs help with. I need to take it upon myself and whatever she\u2019s asking for, try and help as opposed to running away from it.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:38:34] Kirsten, was that accurate the way I articulated what you\u2019ve been feeling recently?<\/span><\/p>

Kirsten: [00:38:40] Yes, definitely.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Their story highlights how our financial habits often stem from what we learned from our parents. Whether you were taught about money from a young age or picked up bad habits, understanding your financial background is key to building a healthier relationship with money.<\/span><\/p>

If you want to dive deeper into my conversation with them, you can <\/span>listen to the full episode<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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\u201cHe hides purchases from me\u2013and I let him\u201d<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Lisa and Jeff<\/span><\/a> are in their forties and have a blended household. They had about a $300k net worth before they were awarded a $1.275M settlement in January of this year.<\/span><\/p>

She\u2019s looking for a teammate, but he\u2019s happy to simply send her his paycheck and make jokes about their toxic dynamic.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Jeff:\u00a0 [00:18:08] She has endured worse than I can dish out. I don\u2019t take advantage of it, but at the same time, it\u2019s a fact of our life that she will\u2013 I can make some jokes, and I can have some fun with the fact that she\u2019s running our finances. And even if it\u2019s a big problem for her, for the most part, I know she\u2019s not coming at me about it. So I\u2019m taking advantage of that to a certain extent. I\u2019m not purposely trying to take advantage of her, but it is certainly convenient that I don\u2019t have to worry about her coming at me about it.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Jeff hides purchases from Lisa, opens lines of credit without her knowledge, and pushes off financial planning. Lisa, who handles their day-to-day finances, feels the weight of Jeff’s secretive behavior but avoids confrontation to prevent conflict.<\/span><\/p>

This dynamic leaves her dealing with the consequences of Jeff’s actions alone, while he justifies his behavior by assuming he\u2019ll manage the debt later, a plan that rarely works out.<\/span><\/p>

Jeff seems reluctant to engage in their financial decisions. Lisa, however, is frustrated by this attitude and feels the strain of carrying the financial burden alone.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Jeff:\u00a0 [00:04:07] I\u2019ve always counted her money is her money and my money is her money.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi:\u00a0 [00:04:11] I think that\u2019s a cute phrase, but I actually don\u2019t think that\u2019s doing you any favors.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

Jeff:\u00a0 [00:04:14] It\u2019s not doing me any favors, but it\u2019s also true.<\/span><\/p>

Lisa:\u00a0 [00:04:17] And it\u2019s the same with the settlement. And I find it\u2019s like really grates on me that he\u2019s like, that\u2019s your money. That\u2019s your money. That\u2019s your money. And I\u2019m like, no, it isn\u2019t. It\u2019s ours. <\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Jeff and Lisa\u2019s relationship shows how financial infidelity can manifest in subtle ways\u2014through hidden purchases, unequal financial responsibility, and poor communication. Their story is a powerful reminder that true partnership requires transparency and shared accountability in managing money.<\/span><\/p>

For more on Jeff and Lisa\u2019s story and how we worked through these problems, you can <\/span>listen to the full podcast<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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\u201cI hide my spending from my husband\u201d<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Meet <\/span>Chuck and Mary<\/span><\/a>. They may have a high household income of $450,000 a year, but they\u2019re struggling to live A Rich Life due to financial secrecy. Mary hides her spending from Chuck, fearing his judgment, while Chuck feels restricted in his own spending decisions, creating a tense dynamic between them.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Mary: [00:01:55] I definitely hid the fact that I did a cold sculpting treatment and some other skin treatment in my stomach, because I had three kids and I was very self-conscious about it, so I\u2019ve hidden that for a long time. I ended up telling him, but it was in a very casual way like, yeah, I did this, they gave me payments, which they\u2019re going to be for the rest of my life, and it\u2019s not a big deal. But the truth is, I actually hid it for a while from him, and I was scared to tell him, because I didn\u2019t want him to judge me for it or get disappointed at me.<\/span><\/p>

Chuck: [00:02:37] There have been a number of situations like that. I wish there weren\u2019t limits and wished to provide for the family, to not have any restrictions in terms of what she could do. But also, it feels challenging, that she has to hide it, and we can\u2019t have the conversation about it, or by the time we have the conversation, then it\u2019s a more tense place to have it, because one of us feels like the other person did something wrong.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:03:03] How much did this CoolSculpting cost?<\/span><\/p>

Mary: [00:03:06] It was $7,000.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:03:08] Okay. Now, is that a little or a lot based on your income?<\/span><\/p>

Mary: [00:03:15] I mean, it\u2019s a lot. I mean, our income is really good, but we also have a lot of luxuries that we choose to have, like having a full-time housekeeper. So, that obviously doesn\u2019t leave a lot of room for discretionary spending. Because we need it at the moment, I just think I can figure it out later. I\u2019m like, I\u2019ll figure it out later, I\u2019ll pay for it, I don\u2019t know, with a gift money or something.<\/span><\/p>

Mary: [00:03:39] But it was definitely something that I should have talked about, because it was a commitment and I still have to pay for it, even though it was in 10,000 payments. My whole life, all I wanted was things, as a kid, I lacked a lot of things. And there was so much deprivation that once I got a glimpse of like the good life here in America, Josh and I are not wealthy, but he grew up in a family that is wealthy, and that gave me access to a bunch of things that I didn\u2019t know that they were possible.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Mary\u2019s secret spending and Chuck\u2019s feelings of restriction highlight how financial infidelity can strain even the wealthiest relationships. Addressing these issues openly is crucial to building trust and achieving financial harmony. For the full conversation, listen to the episode <\/span>here<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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\u201cI hid thousands of dollars of credit card debt from my husband\u201d<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Jordan and Dan<\/span><\/a> are a married couple dealing with financial challenges related to hidden credit card debt. Jordan grew up in an environment where money conversations were avoided, with her mother often keeping financial matters hidden from her father. Unfortunately, this pattern has continued in Jordan’s own life.<\/span><\/p>

Jordan and Dan’s story clearly shows how financial infidelity can deeply strain a relationship. It all started when Dan discovered Jordan had hidden $10,000 in credit card debt. Dan felt blindsided, especially since they were saving for a down payment on a house.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Dan: [00:01:24] I was running late from work, and showed up at the office, and she was having a conversation with him. And the first thing he [financial advisor] was talking about as I sat down was credit card debt and how to manage credit card debt now that she had $10,000 of credit card debt. And I was like, you have $10,000 of credit card debt, like how? And in those types of conversations, like he obviously was like, you didn\u2019t know this?<\/span><\/p>

Dan: [00:01:52] I didn\u2019t want to have that conversation there, like I\u2019d wanted to keep it progressing and focus on everything we were there to accomplish. And if it happened, we need to figure out a way forward. I think what was jarring to me is that, technically, we are married, and like a good tenant of a good marriage or a good relationship period is communication, and the fact that that didn\u2019t even get shared with me, because a lot of the debt was from our wedding.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Jordan kept her debt a secret, thinking she could handle it alone. She was driven by fear of Dan\u2019s reaction and the belief that she could fix the problem alone, only to realize that her secrecy was damaging their relationship.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Jordan: [00:02:52] Yes, so horrifying. Honestly, I kept it a secret, because I thought I could fix it for a long time. I had an idea in my head that I\u2019d be able to do it on my own. I also had this, I think, fear about what the reaction would be. And I think after so long, it just was a part of me, and I knew how much it impacted me emotionally that I was worried about what and how it would impact Dan in the long run, like it\u2019s going to suck either way, and it sucked either way. But I had this idea in my head, I had one of those invisible manuscripts in my head that I\u2019d fix it. And I went through it for a long time of like, I can fix it, I can fix it, I\u2019ll get it down, it\u2019s not a big deal. That, I think, is that, in a nutshell, is that I really felt that I could do it myself and that I didn\u2019t need help from anybody else.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Dan could forgive her the first time, but trust was seriously eroded after it happened again.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Dan: [00:06:47] So, like I can forgive you on the first time, I can forgive you on the second time, but like as a family, if we want to have a family together and grow together, like this can\u2019t happen anymore. And like we\u2019re not rich people right now. I mean, like in terms of how you define it, like, yes, we\u2019re doing pretty well for our age, but at the end of the day, like we can\u2019t really afford that going forward, especially like when you think of-<\/span><\/p>

Dan: [00:07:20] So, her parents were going to give us the money for a down payment or something, that money, in conversation after this, we put towards the credit card to get rid of all of that rather than putting it in towards a home that would probably appreciate, what, maybe like 4% a year or something along those lines, like it just didn\u2019t make sense. So, take that out of the equation, now, it\u2019s like 100% me putting anything into this down payment, plus anything that needs to go into the home. So, it\u2019s heavy, but like we talk a lot about it and I think we\u2019ve worked through it pretty well, but for those first two weeks, like I just kind of felt violated, and it wasn\u2019t even my money.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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This situation highlights how financial infidelity, even when intentions aren\u2019t malicious, can lead to feelings of violation and mistrust. For couples experiencing similar issues, it\u2019s crucial to address these problems head-on and work towards rebuilding trust. Listen to their full story<\/span> here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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\u201cMy wife didn\u2019t know I had $450,000 of debt until yesterday\u201d<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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John and Wendy<\/span><\/a> have been married for over a decade, but financial secrets have been brewing beneath the surface. John, a dentist, has been carrying a substantial debt since dental school\u2014a debt Wendy was aware of when they first got together.<\/span><\/p>

However, the situation escalated when Wendy recently discovered that instead of decreasing, the debt had grown to $600,000. This revelation brought to light the deeper issue of financial infidelity in their relationship.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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John: [00:03:44] From my recollection, I told her pretty early on, probably immediately after dental school. I told her that I was about $450,000 in debt, totaling from undergrad and dental school as well, and that was about it. That was the first time I told her.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:04:05] What was her reaction when you told her that number?<\/span><\/p>

John: [00:04:07] Her reaction, I remember, was it was a lot just because compared to hers, I felt like she had some help from her family, which is awesome. I admire her mom a lot. So, her reaction was one of surprise.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:04:22] Yesterday, right before this call, they filled out a questionnaire, where they included their financial details. Wendy didn\u2019t know how much debt they actually had, and when she saw the number, let\u2019s just say, she was surprised.<\/span><\/p>

Wendy: [00:04:36] He was filling out the questionnaire. I think that\u2019s when I was like, oh, yeah, so how much is that number now? And I\u2019m expecting it to be way less, because we finished dental school 10-plus years. So then, when I heard the number get bigger, and I was like, oh, no. So, I guess recently-<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:04:53] Yeah. What was your feeling when you heard that number higher than it used to be, not lower?<\/span><\/p>

Wendy: [00:05:02] Trepidation. Yeah, fear. It\u2019s like I want to cry like, oh, my God, how come it\u2019s not getting any lower?<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:05:12] Did you two talk about it when you heard that number?<\/span><\/p>

Wendy: [00:05:17] Kind of. I think he was just like, it\u2019s okay, it\u2019s fine, it\u2019ll be fine. He was just kind of like, it\u2019ll be okay, Wendy. Like it\u2019s my problem. I\u2019m going to take care of it.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:05:30] Notice that tactic, one partner telling the other, don\u2019t worry about it, and then layering on, it\u2019s my problem, which isn\u2019t very satisfying in a relationship with two people. When you hear that, how do you react to that?<\/span><\/p>

Wendy: [00:05:47] It\u2019s definitely annoying.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:05:50] What do you mean?<\/span><\/p>

Wendy: [00:05:51] I\u2019m on the side, saying like, I want to help you, like we\u2019re a family, and he\u2019s like, I\u2019m this macho man, I can take care of myself.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:06:01] Lots of men are raised with a deep belief that we have to take care of our family financially. And until recently, that was very, very common. That belief is so deep, it\u2019s so invisible that I call it an invisible script.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:06:15] Are you a macho man?<\/span><\/p>

John: [00:06:17] No, I don\u2019t consider myself to be a macho man. I felt like it was something that I chose to undertake. It was my responsibility. Even before we got married, even before we got engaged, I felt like this is my choice, it\u2019s my responsibility, so why would I knowingly have my wife undertake that responsibility, too? Because she\u2019s already paying her own loans, and she\u2019s almost done, right? So, why in the hell would I want to add even more onto her plate?<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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John’s choice to hide his growing $450,000 dental school debt from Wendy was more than just poor financial management\u2014it was a significant breach of trust. Wendy’s skepticism about John’s reassurances led her to take on the role of a detective, meticulously investigating their finances to see if things were under control.<\/span><\/p>

Wendy’s experience of feeling the need to play detective in her marriage is a clear sign of financial infidelity’s damaging effects. For any couple, transparency and teamwork are essential to maintaining trust. You can <\/span>listen to my conversation with Wendy and John<\/span><\/a> here to hear more about their journey and how they’re handling these challenges.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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\u201cWe\u2019re $520k in debt\u2014and he hid it from me\u201d<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Cassandra and Aldo<\/span><\/a>, both in their early forties, have been together for years and share two kids. Despite their busy lives, Cassandra had little insight into their financial situation\u2014until a Netflix show sparked a conversation that revealed they were drowning in debt. This shocking discovery brought to light the serious issue of financial infidelity, where one partner hides significant financial details from the other, eroding trust in the relationship.<\/span><\/p>

Cassandra’s realization about their true financial state left her stunned. She quickly learned that the debt was much more extensive than Aldo initially let on, leading to feelings of betrayal and disbelief.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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[00:03:03] Cassandra: Yeah, I was sitting on the couch looking for something to watch, and it gives you like a preview, even though when you hover over it, you were talking about owning a home and phantom costs. It\u2019s not what everyone makes it out to be. And I was intrigued. looked over to Aldo, and I said, how much debt are we in? Because I literally have no idea.<\/span><\/p>

[00:03:29] And he threw some random numbers out there, and they were pretty high. I think I had an idea, but not anywhere near what they really are. And I think I was in shock. I right away got a pen and paper, and I was like, I want to know everything. He proceeded to tell me about other loans, personal loans, and I vaguely knew about some of them.<\/span><\/p>

[00:03:57] I thought they were in the past, to consolidate debt, little credit cards that we had. There was a loan that was supposed to be paid off, and he mentioned this loan in the amount of $66,000 that is not paid off, and not only is it not paid off. It\u2019s in, I guess, collections.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

[00:04:20] We haven\u2019t been paying it for the last few months. And that scared the crap out of me. And I was like, why? What happened? But when he wrote it all down, I almost fell off the chair. I was floored. I didn\u2019t know that everything basically was being charged on credit cards, and loans, and things. I felt a little bit of a false sense of security.<\/span><\/p>

[00:04:51] Ramit: Okay. Aldo, what do you remember about that conversation?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

[00:04:56] Aldo: It was a tough conversation. I know in the past I\u2019ve brought it up, but I know she gets really alarmed or panic any number I put out there. I\u2019ve been trying to tell her for a couple of years that it\u2019s been challenging, but never really sat down, and I\u2019ve never put enough effort to really sit her down and go over all the numbers<\/span><\/p>

[00:05:19] it was a daunting task. I thought of a number, and that number I gave her was scary enough. And then when I started logging into all the accounts and finding everything out, it was twice as much. I should know better. So a big part of it was just disappointed in myself that. I let it get to this point, this bad, this fast.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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As Cassandra processed the severity of their financial situation, she began to get frustrated. She couldn\u2019t understand how they could be working so hard yet still be struggling to manage their finances. This disconnect between effort and outcome is a common theme in relationships affected by financial infidelity, where one partner’s actions leave the other feeling disempowered and in the dark.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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[00:12:09] Cassandra: I think I would feel annoyed sometimes because I\u2019d feel like I work hard, and so do you. And I\u2019m like, how do we not have the money. And I just naively thought we have bills. We have a mortgage. So it\u2019s annoying to feel like you can\u2019t do little things when you work so hard, so I wasn\u2019t annoyed at you. I just was annoyed at the fact that we should be able to do those things, as I know we do make pretty good money.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Cassandra and Aldo’s story is a clear example of how avoiding honest discussions about money can lead to serious financial and emotional consequences. Their experience underscores the importance of transparency and teamwork in managing finances within a relationship. Listen to how they navigated these challenges in our <\/span>full conversation here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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\u201cHe hid $77k in CC debt from me\u2014but can\u2019t tell me what he bought\u201d<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Jim and Dana<\/span><\/a>, both 58 years old and five years into their second marriage, struggle with the weight of financial secrets. In his attempt to maintain his role as a provider, Jim has hidden a significant amount of credit card debt from Dana\u2014$77,000 worth.<\/span><\/p>

This concealment has deeply damaged the trust in their relationship, with Dana feeling the sting of betrayal reminiscent of past pains. On the other hand, Jim is overwhelmed, not fully understanding how his spending spiraled out of control.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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[00:01:51] Dana: As I was filling it out, I found an additional quantity of debt that I did not know he had, and that we have a whole history of this. It was pretty traumatic.<\/span><\/p>

[00:02:04] Ramit: What happened?<\/span><\/p>

[00:02:05] Dana: When we first moved, he came to me, and he said, hey, there\u2019ve been some expenses. It\u2019s not bad. It\u2019s not bad. I just want to consolidate it and get it paid off. I don\u2019t know that I asked him, maybe I did, how much it was, but I remember thinking, that\u2019s manageable. It was about maybe $20,000. And I thought, okay. But a year later, he came to me and said, I need you to handle everything. I have $77,000 in credit card debt.<\/span><\/p>

[00:02:36] Ramit: From 20k to 77,000.<\/span><\/p>

[00:02:40] Dana: I didn\u2019t know what to say. That was just so unheard of. And I kept thinking, where\u2019s $77,000? I don\u2019t see what we got for that. And he was unable to tell me how it was spent. I was furious, that whole concept of financial infidelity. You\u2019ve hidden 77,000 and you come to me now.<\/span><\/p>

[00:03:05] But I tried to be calm in the moment because it\u2019s a problem, and it had to be fixed. And he just said, can you fix this? And I put together a plan, and he said, I\u2019m going to work really hard, and I\u2019m going to do all these things. And so I said, okay, you\u2019re good. I didn\u2019t monitor him day in, day out. And then after filling out the CSP, I found another 22,000?<\/span><\/p>

[00:03:32] Jim: It wasn\u2019t that much.<\/span><\/p>

[00:03:33] Dana: Okay. I don\u2019t remember exactly because by that point it was\u2013<\/span><\/p>

[00:03:38] Jim: About 12 more.<\/span><\/p>

[00:03:40] Dana: But I was like, I can\u2019t believe that this has happened three times. I can\u2019t trust this person. This is my previous life. This is what I thought I was getting away from, not monetarily. I thought I could trust him. It felt just like finding out he was seeing somebody on the side. It felt that bad. It\u2019s been tough since then.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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As we talked, Jim acknowledged that his spending spiraled out of control. He relied heavily on credit cards for everyday expenses. His lack of a financial plan and attempts to maintain a certain lifestyle pushed them into their current financial crisis. Daily costs and unexpected expenses like furnace repairs were charged to credit, rapidly accumulating debt.<\/span><\/p>

Additionally, risky ventures like cattle raising further compounded the problem, leaving them with $80,000 in credit card debt and no clear path forward.<\/span><\/p>

Towards the end of our conversation, Jim acknowledged his failures and the emotional toll they had taken on Dana. His attempts to protect her from financial worries had backfired, leaving them both in a precarious situation.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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[00:08:57] Dana: He was embarrassed, and he wanted to be\u2013 maybe I\u2019m just guessing. The discrepancy in our lifestyles for the last 30 years is so huge. And I think it\u2019s been hard. I know he wants to provide things, and I think he wanted to make me happy. It just backfired when it made me really unhappy.<\/span><\/p>

[00:09:20] Ramit: Jimmy, what do you notice about all those things that you just shared with me?<\/span><\/p>

[00:09:26] Jim: I didn\u2019t need a lot of it.<\/span><\/p>

[00:09:27] Ramit: Mm-hmm.<\/span><\/p>

[00:09:28] Jim: I didn\u2019t have a plan, and I\u2019m not trying to use a buzzword. I didn\u2019t have any backup money for that like I should.<\/span><\/p>

[00:09:37] Ramit: Okay, what else?<\/span><\/p>

[00:09:39] Jim: Well, I had at that point listened to the podcast that she had suggested and got reminded of everything I had been doing wrong, and there was no way to recover from it. My former job, I could have worked some more overtime. I could have done this. I could have done that. But I can\u2019t this time, and there\u2019s no way to come back from it without absolutely cutting everything. So that\u2019s where I\u2019m at now.<\/span><\/p>

[00:10:19] Ramit: Okay.<\/span><\/p>

[00:10:20] Jim: Actually, I the one thing I do remember is she said, if you spend $1 without talking to me about it, that\u2019s it. I\u2019ve been divorced once. I really don\u2019t want to do this again. And I like Dana a lot more.<\/span><\/p>

[00:10:37] Ramit: If you had to describe how you think she feels right now, what would you say?<\/span><\/p>

[00:10:43] Jim: Exactly how she said, absolutely betrayed.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Jim and Dana\u2019s story powerfully reminds us that financial infidelity isn\u2019t just about numbers\u2014it\u2019s about trust, communication, and the roles we play in our relationships. To learn more about their journey and the insights we discussed together, you can <\/span>listen to the full episode here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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What You Can Do If You Notice Signs Of Financial Infidelity In Your Relationship<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Financial infidelity\u2014hiding money, secret spending, or lying about finances\u2014can seriously damage trust in a relationship. But it doesn\u2019t have to be the end. Here\u2019s how to handle it:<\/span><\/p>