{"id":59459,"date":"2024-10-13T10:30:21","date_gmt":"2024-10-13T14:30:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com\/?p=59459"},"modified":"2025-03-28T11:57:22","modified_gmt":"2025-03-28T15:57:22","slug":"combining-finances-after-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com\/combining-finances-after-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Love and Money: Combining Finances After Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Money is often considered a taboo topic, even for couples who share nearly everything else. Yet, it\u2019s one of the biggest sources of conflict in relationships, especially when combining finances after marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n

In this article, we\u2019ll explore proven strategies for combining finances after marriage, discussing real-life examples and practical steps to achieve financial harmony as a couple.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Real-Life Example Of Love And Money<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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It turns out we don\u2019t even like talking about money to our significant other. In fact, <\/span>money is the number 1 thing<\/span><\/a> we fight about.<\/span><\/p>\n

While many couples avoid money conversations, these very discussions hold the key to financial peace in a relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n

Take, for example, <\/span>Beth and John<\/span><\/a>\u2014a couple who came to me just one month before their wedding, still struggling to get on the same page with their finances. Like many couples, they hadn\u2019t fully confronted their financial differences, and Beth\u2019s fears of being a financial burden were causing tension.<\/span><\/p>\n

We explore their journey toward open, honest financial communication and the deeper challenges of merging finances before marriage.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Ramit Sethi: [00:32:02] So you have basically $800,000 in net worth now. Right now it\u2019s his and her money. When you get married, what is the plan?<\/span><\/p>

Beth: [00:32:12] So we have some shared and some split.<\/span><\/p>

John: [00:32:15] Mh-hmm.<\/span><\/p>

Beth: [00:32:16] And that\u2019s normally where the shared checking account is what normally covers our fixed costs. Sometimes John covers extra fixed costs just because of where our credit card is.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:32:29] John, do you contribute proportionally?<\/span><\/p>

John: [00:32:32] My contribution is a little higher. I contribute about 26, 28% of my net to the joint account, and Beth puts around 20 to 23% of her net into the joint.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:32:47] How did you all decide on that number?<\/span><\/p>

John: [00:32:51] It just felt right at the time.<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:32:56] John\u2019s vagueness is almost overwhelming, and it doesn\u2019t help.<\/span><\/p>

John: [00:33:02] That\u2019s felt a lot of stress around, \u201cOh, no, I\u2019m a deadbeat. I\u2019m not contributing enough or as much as you are. I don\u2019t think it is enough.\u201d<\/span><\/p>

Ramit Sethi: [00:33:10] Okay, hold on. What\u2019s up with this deadbeat comment, Beth? You got a deadbeat in your family or something?<\/span><\/p>

Beth: [00:33:17] No, no, I don\u2019t know. But I probably have been the deadbeat in relationship. I\u2019ve been in multiple relationships with people where one of us is the breadwinner, one of us isn\u2019t. And in almost all of those relationships, there have been times when I\u2019m barely making ends meet with somebody who\u2019s much more financially well off. And as the relationship went on, they became really resentful of having to cover more costs.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Beth and John\u2019s conversation reveals a common struggle many couples face when merging finances: how to fairly contribute while addressing individual fears of inequity. John\u2019s vague approach to financial contributions and Beth\u2019s lingering anxiety from past relationships create a situation where transparency is missing. Beth worries she\u2019s not doing enough and fears resentment may build over time.<\/span><\/p>\n

As we continue, Beth shares a deeper concern\u2014fear that her efforts may never measure up, despite John\u2019s assurances. She craves more openness in their conversations about money and is scared that silence might lead to unspoken resentment.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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John: [00:42:24] Beth, what specifically is it that you\u2019re scared of?<\/span><\/p>\n

Beth: [00:42:30] I\u2019m scared of you thinking that I don\u2019t help enough. You are so good at doing so much. You keep the house running and you do everything so well that I\u2019m worried that if I step up, it still won\u2019t be good enough. I\u2019m scared that you will not see me as an equitable partner, even though even you\u2019ve never made it seem you have a problem with it.<\/span><\/p>\n

John: [00:43:01] Beth, I think, given your past relationships, it\u2019s a totally valid fear. I don\u2019t think that it\u2019s where we\u2019re headed. And I certainly don\u2019t feel like that. But what could we do to make it better so that you didn\u2019t feel like that?<\/span><\/p>\n

Beth: [00:43:22] I think if we were more open talking about it, if I knew\u2013 you would let me know, if I knew that you would come to me and say, \u201cHey, you know what? I\u2019m feeling a little worried\u2013\u201d if I knew that you would come and tell me, I think I would be more reassured. I\u2019m worried you won\u2019t tell me, that you\u2019ll just keep it to yourself and it will fester. And that\u2019s where the resentment would come from.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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John and Beth\u2019s situation<\/span><\/a> underscores a key theme in relationships: communication is essential not only for managing finances but also for building trust. When couples talk openly about their financial roles, they can prevent issues from festering and ultimately create a stronger foundation for their future together.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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How To Talk About Finances With Your Partner<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Here are a few simple tips you can use when talking about money with your partner. <\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Be honest<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Honesty is the foundation of any healthy relationship, especially when it comes to finances. Without transparency, money issues can erode trust over time. Many couples, like Beth and John who we saw earlier, struggle with fully opening up about their financial situation.<\/span><\/p>\n

Beth\u2019s avoidance of financial discussions led to miscommunication, and her fear of not being a good partner left her feeling like she was never contributing enough. Meanwhile, John\u2019s vagueness about their shared financial contributions only added to the confusion.<\/span><\/p>\n

To prevent issues like these, both partners need to be upfront about their financial standings, including any debts, spending habits, or financial worries. Avoiding difficult conversations might feel easier in the short term, but without honesty, it\u2019s impossible to build a solid financial plan together.<\/span><\/p>\n

Like I always say: “You\u2019ve got to get real with yourself and your partner.”<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Understand that not everyone views finances the same way<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Your perspective on money is shaped by your upbringing, experiences, and even your cultural background. These are your “<\/span>money scripts<\/span><\/a>,” the subconscious beliefs about finances that impact how you manage and think about money.<\/span><\/p>\n

For example, someone like Beth, who grew up with a scarcity mindset, may hoard money or feel anxiety about spending. On the other hand, someone like John, who is more financially secure, might not understand why his partner is so hesitant to spend.<\/span><\/p>\n

In any relationship, it\u2019s crucial to recognize that you and your partner may not view finances the same way. This is why it\u2019s essential to have open discussions about how you both approach saving, spending, and planning for the future. Understanding each other\u2019s money scripts will help you navigate financial decisions together more effectively.<\/span><\/p>\n

Almost everyone has these <\/span>secret money scripts<\/span><\/a>. Beth and John were not the first couple I\u2019ve talked with who had these challenges.<\/span><\/p>\n

Take <\/span>Cristina and Ron<\/span><\/a>, for example, from another couple I spoke with on my podcast. Cristina, who\u2019s 30, manages the finances while Ron, 45, has a deep-seated fear of money. Ron’s reluctance to even log into his own bank account has put enormous pressure on Cristina to plan for both of their futures\u2014especially since Ron seems detached from thinking about his retirement.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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[00:07:29] Cristina: Because every time he talks, he has two mentalities. It\u2019s either we\u2019re poor or we don\u2019t have money.<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:07:38] Ramit: Is that not the same thing?<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:07:41] Cristina: To him it\u2019s not.<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:07:43] Ramit: What\u2019s the difference between poor and not having enough money?<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:07:46] Ron: Poor, we can\u2019t spend a dollar on anything. Like, scared. She\u2019s right with the other one [not having enough money]. We can do something this month, but we can\u2019t spend that much. We can go to the movies, but we can\u2019t go out to dinner.<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:08:04] Ramit: That\u2019s what you describe as we don\u2019t have money?<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:08:06] Ron: Mm-hmm.<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:08:07] Ramit: Does this seem a little hyperbolic to you? WE DON\u2019T HAVE MONEY! Seems quite alarming to me, oh my God – if we truly don\u2019t have money, that\u2019s a 911. But actually, we can go out to the movies, and we have a savings account, and we have investments. It\u2019s fine. But we don\u2019t have money.<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:08:26] Ron: Sounds silly when you put it your way. It\u2019s because I still want to have some life. I work really hard. I don\u2019t want to have to just stay in and do nothing. So I\u2019d like to think, hey, we could still go do a little something as long as we\u2019re not spending a lot of money. We\u2019ll spend $40 as opposed to 200 going out to dinner.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Cristina and Ron’s story offers a glimpse into how deeply ingrained money scripts can be\u2014and how they can clash in a relationship. For Ron, his upbringing taught him to fear financial instability, even when things are relatively stable. This invisible script of scarcity still shapes his view of money today, leading him to believe that they\u2019re \u201cpoor\u201d even though they have savings and investments.<\/span><\/p>\n

Cristina, on the other hand, experienced extreme poverty growing up. Her version of “being poor” is far more severe, yet she still carries her own anxieties about money, feeling pressure to manage it for both of them.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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[00:19:47] Ron: I\u2019m nervous just because of the way that we grew up. We had some really good times, and then we had some really bad times. So I never want to put us in any financial troubles. That\u2019s why I am the way that I am.<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:20:02] Ramit: The troubling times happened, what, in your teen years?<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:20:06] Ron: Great school middle school. High school, we had real good and then real bad. My dad was a contractor, so we\u2019d have a good year, then we\u2019d have a bunch of really bad months, and so fluctuated.<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:20:17] My dad was the only one that worked in the family, so when he wasn\u2019t in a contract, 23 still had bills to pay, so we had to borrow money from family sometimes. We almost lost the house, but grandparents helped out with that. I\u2019ve got two older brothers, mom, and dad. We didn\u2019t do a lot when we were kids because we didn\u2019t have the money.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:20:44] We didn\u2019t go on vacations. We didn\u2019t go out to dinners. We still had a lot of fun because it was growing up in the 80s, but seeing the way that my parents fought about money or the lack of, I don\u2019t want us to be like that. So those are things I just don\u2019t want to have happen, and I would hate to ask for handouts from people.<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:21:09] Ramit: Did you grow up in the Midwest?<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:21:10] Ron: Yes, sir.<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:21:11] Cristina: So whenever he said he was poor, he was cheap, he was this, not to diminish what he experienced because I get it, but it\u2019s like, you don\u2019t know war until you go in the Philippines. We were homeless at some point. I would have to beg neighbors for food, for dinner, so that our family could eat. That\u2019s how poor we were.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:21:36] Ramit: Do you think that there\u2019s a way to be a sensible spender without being cheap?<\/span><\/p>\n

[00:21:44] Ron: Yes, if we have a budget set aside for each of us for each month. We can only spend this amount. You can spend this amount. I can spend this amount. And if that\u2019s the case, then she can go do whatever she wants to with it as long as we\u2019re still saving at the same time.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Ron and Cristina\u2019s different perspectives on finances create tension in their relationship, but this tension stems from their respective money scripts\u2014beliefs that have been deeply embedded since childhood. Understanding these subconscious influences is key. Without recognizing them, you risk misinterpreting your partner\u2019s fears or behaviors.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Be willing to communicate a lot<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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As we saw in the previous real-life examples, a lack of communication can lead to financial stress and insecurity. For example, Beth feared being judged as a \u201cdeadbeat,\u201d while John assumed everything was fine because they hadn\u2019t openly discussed their concerns.<\/span><\/p>\n

Talking about finances with your partner may feel awkward, but it’s necessary. You can start by scheduling regular money meetings where you can discuss your financial goals, challenges, and any upcoming expenses.<\/span><\/p>\n

To help you both start off on the right foot, you can download my Monthly Money Meeting Guide to learn how to have effective money meetings in less than one hour a month. <\/span>Get the guide here<\/span><\/a>!<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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6 Tips For Creating A Financial Plan Together<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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One of the most important steps when dealing with finances as a couple is having a concrete plan. Without it, you’re just floating with no direction.<\/span><\/p>\n

This is where the <\/span>Conscious Spending Plan<\/b><\/a> can change the game. Instead of focusing only on cutting costs or feeling anxious about every dollar spent, the Conscious Spending Plan allows you to be intentional with your money. You decide where your money will go based on your priorities\u2014saving, investing, guilt-free spending, and more.<\/span><\/p>\n

A solid financial plan isn\u2019t just about numbers\u2014it\u2019s about clarity and being on the same page as a couple. With the Conscious Spending Plan, you can allocate money to the things that matter most to you while ensuring you\u2019re still hitting your savings and investment goals.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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1. Get off the rollercoaster and automate your finances<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Many couples think that <\/span>making more money<\/span><\/a> will solve their problems. But what often happens is that more money amplifies the issues already present.<\/span><\/p>\n

This is where automation comes in. You can take the guesswork out of your finances by <\/span>automating your bills<\/span><\/a>, savings, and debt payments. Automation aligns perfectly with the Conscious Spending Plan, allowing you to direct your money intentionally without thinking about it every month. When you automate, you get off the emotional rollercoaster of worrying about money and focus on the things that bring you joy.<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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2. Figure out what your Rich Life looks like together<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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When combining finances after marriage, it’s crucial to define your <\/span>Rich Life<\/span><\/a> together. Your individual backgrounds shape your financial views.<\/span><\/p>\n

For Cristina and Ron, their Rich Life looked different because they came from such different financial backgrounds. Cristina grew up in extreme poverty, even begging for food at times. On the other hand, Ron experienced fluctuating income, with both good and bad financial years. These experiences shaped their views on money in very different ways.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I work with couples, I always emphasize the importance of defining what your Rich Life looks like together. What do you want to achieve? What kind of lifestyle do you want to build?<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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3. Figure out how to maximize your income as a couple<\/h3>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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For married couples, researching income potential is a joint effort. Understanding each other’s career trajectories and how they impact your shared financial goals is helpful.<\/span><\/p>\n

When combining finances with your partner, one of the most important conversations is around income potential. Understanding where both of you stand financially\u2014and where you could go\u2014is key to building a solid financial future together.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ask yourself:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n